


Yachiru Knows

by Sarshi



Category: Bleach
Genre: Crack, Crack Pairing, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi, Multiple Pairings, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-04
Updated: 2012-12-04
Packaged: 2017-11-20 06:56:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/582552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarshi/pseuds/Sarshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you were in Seireitei, you'd think this was a horror story. Because Yachiru. Knows. Everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Yachiru Knows

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo. Maybe this version of Yachiru does, too, but wouldn't that be scary?

Yachiru knows that there is more to Yumichika than just looks. There is also candy, ready to be handed in as bribe. Yachiru is quite prone to accepting bribes because she hasn't found out yet how she can turn the fact that he steals Matsumoto's cosmetics on a regular basis to her advantage. She also knows that Ikkaku knows, but he isn't saying anything, because he steals Matsumoto's shoeshine for his head.

Yachiru also knows that Yamamoto likes belly dancers and often goes to Rukongai to watch them for hours on end. That is all he does. Watch. Because, frankly, Yachiru doesn't think he can get it up anymore – and of course she knows about getting up, because live with the Eleventh Division long enough and you find out a lot about birds, bees, stings, bees and bees, birds and birds, Soi Fon and cats and all sorts of other things little girls shouldn't know.

Yachiru knows that Byakuya is a softy at heart, because he always acts all stuck up and annoyed when she does things, but he never really directly complains about it. Not even about moving the Headquarters of the Shinigami Women's Association into his home. He sometimes gives her candy. He keeps his wife's shrine carefully tended to. He's never really mean to Rukia, but he doesn't know how to act around her – she can see it on his face when his adopted sister is behind him and he knows she can't watch his expression. And sometimes drops of water fall out of his eyes – he doesn't cry, because not a muscle moves and there's always very few drops. But he does it at night. Yachiru also knows that he hasn't had sex since forever, since she really likes going to his place and hanging around. It's very pretty.

She knows that Renji suffers very stoically through getting tattoos, but once he completely freaked out during a haircut. He now wears a pony tail because that is the only way he can remain calm and that is the only way nobody else will be able to tell that the crazy lady hairdresser stole a lock of hair from him. It was a huge lock, the diameter of a small coin - and it was right there, at the back of his head. She ran off with a very long lock, cut right from the root. So now he's desperately trying anything and everything to get hair to grow back quicker over his bald spot.

Yachiru knows that if you ask the members of the Second Division nicely, they're glad to tell the lieutenant of the Eleventh a few tricks on how to move fast and conceal herself. Their rules would forbid them from talking about it so much and so openly, but they don't think talking to a child counts as treason. So score for Yachiru.

Yachiru also knows that Nemu isn't very happy about her sort-of-dad. The pink-haired girl asked the other lieutenant whether she didn't want to join her and Ken-chan, but Nemu had replied that she wouldn't, because she belonged with Mayuri. Also, she actually couldn't. Mayuri had a destruct button for her and he'd use it if she went away.

Yachiru knows that, despite what people seem to think in Seireitei, Kyouraku and Ukitake never sleep together. Kyouraku sneaks out before dawn, without having dozed off. She also knows that they don't sleep with each other in the other sense of the word either – there's always a woman between them. That's why Nanao is so upset with Kyouraku. Yachiru just finds that it figures they'd do it like that. Both of them seem to favor the idea of pairs – they have two swords each, they're a pair of good friends. Yes, it figures that they'd also pair up as lovers.

Yachiru knows Ken-chan is a sex god. He can sleep with anybody for as long as he wants without stopping. He generally chooses women from Rukongai, because he doesn't like the shinigami women available. He says that they're too complicated. And he's the only one who knows that Yachiru knows a lot of things, because she tells him. He tells her to stop spying on people when they get intimate – Ken-chan uses euphemisms around Yachiru because Unohana said it wasn't good to tell her about that sort of stuff – since it might embarrass them. Yachiru always says that they can't be embarrassed because they don't know.

She knows that Unohana wants Ken-chan, but he didn't think of her that way until Yachiru told him about it. And then Ken-chan made Unohana happy – Yachiru also uses euphemisms around the Fourth Division Captain because she likes the way the other woman tries to figure out whether the girl is innocent and observing, or whether she actually does know too much. Yachiru figures you can never know enough.

Yachiru knows that when she grows up she wants to have Soi Fon's job. She also knows that Soi Fon doesn't find that amusing and says that Yachiru could never be as stealthy as would be required of a member, never mind a Captain of the Second Division. She always sends Yachiru away. But somehow she never realizes that the pink-haired girl is there when she turns in at night with a mysterious man whom she uses solely for pleasure. Not even Yachiru managed to find out who the man is, but she figures that Soi Fon takes the business-like attitude too far.

Yachiru knows that Gin's smile is actually nice. She liked hearing his jokes. They were mean and good. She knows he cares for Kira. Don't ask how. She knows. And she knows Kira cares back.

The thing she didn't see coming was Aizen's evilness, but nobody did, so there you have it. Not even Yachiru is perfect.

But she always knew Komamura was nice, because he always liked playing with her and the kittens, when she discovered them in the first Rukongai district and brought them back to Seireitei. The kitties liked him back.

Yachiru knows that the best way to have fun with Tousen is to invite him to a bar, then bring the Eleventh Division over and tell them to drink a gulp of beer every time he says 'justice'. The point is to see who's the last man standing. Yachiru was the judge of the game and also the person who coaxed Tousen into talking.

She knows that, out of all captains, Hitsugaya can stand her the least, because he wants to be as separated as possible from children. She, surprisingly, respects that. But she also lets herself be bribed by Matsumoto with lots and lots and lots of candy so she'd stop coming in at random times asking to play. She also let herself be bribed with a vote for her as the president of the Shinigami Women's Association – but she bribed everybody to vote for her, not just Matsumoto. Well, everybody except Nemu. Nemu actually likes her. Other than that... Nanao wanted Yachiru to shut up about her thrashing Kyouraku's booze (official story said it was Matsumoto). Soifon agreed to let Yachiru be president because she didn't want anybody to know about the Black Cat Incident. Isane figured that it was a good idea to let her be president if she didn't tell anybody about Unohana and Zaraki. Unohana was just nice about it - and there was also that very specific night with Zaraki which she didn't want people to know about. Kotetsu Kiyone said she'd give Yachiru the chair if she didn't tell her anything about Ukitake and his intimate life. So there you have it. Yachiru won and Momo Hinamori was outvoted.

And what Yachiru is learning right now is how to make herself almost invisible. She got some info from Soi Fon's Bulky Lieutenant about reiatsu cloaking and she got other info from Nemu about some really interesting reiatsu properties and is working on putting the two together.

Because what Yachiru knows and nobody else does is that she is a genius on par with Hitsugaya, but that it's much more fun and a much better idea to pretend you're not.


End file.
